This is a blog kept by students of Written Expression IV at ISFD 30. Enjoy!

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Exquisite cadaver

Love was you and me together. We used to be one soul. Even though, I didn’t want this to change, our fate was already written. I assume the pen was held by her. I would have never figured out that she used to visit me and her eyes were not upon me but on my grandmother. It was a pleasant breezy evening, I opened the door and I found them not drinking tea, not talking, not cooking but kissing. The passion in their lips was extreme. Her wrinkled hands held her skinny face that used to be mine. The disgusting scene made me feel shocked and I was only able to close the door. The noise let them know that they were not alone. As I left, I realized that my reality was not what I thought. It was a dark day and there was smog everywhere. Anxiousness was running through Dan´s veins. He felt nervous about his first experience piloting, and the weather was not helping.

He turned off the engineer, got off the car and went to the instructor´s office. There was music on, but no one answered when he knocked the door.  Raindrops began to fall on his head while he paced the landing track, his opportunity vanishing as the hours passed.

Dan decided to walk towards his car. But suddenly he heard a noise on the sky and turned his head up. It was his instructor in the plane he had been waiting for all day long. It was late anyway. The plane arrived late, so the pilot returned home.  The passengers had been waiting at the airport for ten hours and started to complain. As I was the check-in receptionist, everybody shouted at me angrily. The situation got worst when people destroyed the airport hall. All the employees were evacuated by the police. I decided to quit my work, because it wasn´t the first time that such dangerous disorder took place. The only person I would miss was my boss, William. I was in love with him, though I wasn´t sure if he felt the same.   That day, when I was at home he called me and I decided to start again.

It had been two years without seeing each other. He had gone to study abroad and I didn't want to follow him. At that time our relationship wasn't as good as the beginning of it. He had changed pretty much the last years. He priorized his carrer more than our relationship. I still was with him but I felt lonely. During these two years I went out, met new people even I got a new job. My life was normal, stable. I almost believed that I had forgotten him but last week he called me and we met each other. As soon as I saw him my heart exploded in happiness. All my feelings woke up again.He stared at me and at that moment he said: " Love was you and me together."



5 comments:

  1. Very quirky!
    In the last paragraph, sentence "During these two years I went out, met new people even I got a new job." I think it would be correct to change the demonstrative adjective "these" for "those". Here, "these" shows nearness in time, but the story is set in the past. So, for the sake of cohesion and reference, "those" would be better. Something else: "During those years" is an introductory phrase, so it should be followed by a comma.

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  2. What a beautiful mess!! I had to read it several times, guys... and I´m still a bit confused. But that´s the idea, isn´t it? The narrator shifts from a 1st person protagonist to a 3rd omniscient one and then to a 1st one again. First, the protagonist seems to be a man... then a woman. But apart from that, we have been discussing with Mariana and Amilcar about the correctness of a clause: "(...) his opportunity vanishing as the hours passed." What´s wrong here? We agreed that it is grammatically incorrect to stand on its own as a sentence. There is no tense, but aspect. We may have written "was vanishing" and there would have been no problem at all. However, the elision was made on purpose: for poetry´s sake. It still sounds strange. So, I insist... what is wrong? Is it punctuation the clue? When can we brake the rules of writing without messing things up? I´m lost! What do you think?

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  3. I think in this sentence "At that time our relationship wasn't as good as the beginning of it", we should write: " At that time our relationship wasn´t as good as it used to be in the past, because in my personal opinion the last "it" is incoherent, it losses reference. It´ll become clearer if we used the "it" before.

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  4. Well, evidently this is a mess!! I totally agree with Camila!! I had to read this exquisite cadáver several times, and I find strange this sentencce " was a pleasant breezy evening, I opened the door and I found them not drinking tea, not talking, not cooking but kissing " I think there is an excesive use of actions they were not doing, don't you think? It is a little repetitive, and i think that the "kissing" is needing something else to complete the meaning. It may be better to say "She was kissing her passionately", or "my sweet love was cuddling with my granny". What do you think about that? Doesn´t it sound strange?

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  5. What a mess, girs and boys! I had to read it several times too. The sentece that called my attention the most was "At that time our relationship wasn't as good as the beginning of it". I think that in order to show the contrast between a point in the past and another point in a further past it's neccesary to use past simple plus past perfect. It could be better saying "At that time, our relationship wasn't as good as it had been at the beginning". What do you think?

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